bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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