She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
