I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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