Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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