College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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