I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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