Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
