Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
