i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think people are normalizing furries
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
