It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
