I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
