No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
