please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
