Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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