I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i drank out of a bidet.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
