went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize