do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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