Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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