i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
