Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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