My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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