the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
