She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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