Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
