Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
