im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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