Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
