I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
