i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize