our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
