I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
