Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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