I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
