the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
