She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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