You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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