we have pet lesbian snakes
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
