just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
