someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
