It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
