Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
