Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
two words: eviction party
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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