Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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