K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
