I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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