my phone needs a breathalizer
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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