did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
