i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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