Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
