honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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