I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
