did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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