o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
