I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
