Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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