why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize