I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If its not for food we ain't going out.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
